Anxiety Depression Grief

My secret battle.

on
February 9, 2018

It was 28th October, a few short weeks ago. It was about 11:10 on a Saturday morning and in twenty minutes time we were going live for Saturday lunchtime’s game on Sky Sports between Manchester United and Tottenham. I should have been in the studio and in my chair getting ready to go on air at 11:30. Instead I was slumped on the floor in the nearby disabled loo in tears, shaking and hyperventilating. The depression and anxiety that had come out of nowhere in September had reached fever pitch, and I was gripped by what I later came to realise was a panic attack. That pain filled disconcerting day was the last time I worked, the last time I sat in front of a camera and did the job I had done hundreds of times. This is the battle I had fought in secret; this is the battle I have struggled to admit to; this is the battle that so many secretly struggle with and too many feel unable to talk about; this is the battle I now have to face amidst the pain of the sudden death of my wife.

I had had depression for the first time a few years back. After having Ethan in 2009 we’d reached the time where we wanted to try and give Ethan a brother or a sister. But after months of trying to no avail we decided it was time to go for some tests. On a Tuesday afternoon whilst I was preparing for my shift on Sky Sports News, I had a call from my distraught wife Gemma who had discovered that the tests had revealed she had a very low egg count and that the chances of us conceiving naturally were very very low. It was a hammer blow. A few months later after much thought and soul searching we decided to go down the IVF route. Although you go into something like this with your eyes wide open and with all the statistics on success rates before you, there is still nothing that can prepare you for when it doesn’t work. After weeks of poor Gemma having to inject herself and take various drugs every day, and then the procedure itself in the hospital, the IVF didn’t work. It left us both on the floor but worse was to come.

After a few months we decided to give it one last go and this time Gemma fell pregnant. There was much reserved joy, we knew we had a long way to go but she had carried Ethan to birth so naturally we were hopeful that this time, it would be the same. Four weeks later I awoke to Gemma next to me in our bed in tears. She had discovered some bleeding and feared the worst. Hours later, after a painful long wait in the Royal Berkshire Hospital, our fears were realised – she’d had a miscarriage. If the first round was a hammer blow, this was like being hit by a ten tonne truck. Having been given the briefest flicker of hope our dreams of a brother or sister for our boy Ethan were in tatters.

We all deal with difficulties and challenges in life in different ways, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was angry, disappointed, and bitter. As anyone who has been through any kind of fertility problems knows, it’s a tough road to walk. Unless you decide to cut yourself off from the rest of the world you are surrounded by a world where it appears that most of your friends are able to pop out babies like a cash dispenser dispenses ten pound notes. Social media only adds to this with the, at times, constant reel of posted photos featuring three month scans.

As part of the IVF they include two counselling sessions if you end up in the place we found ourselves in. Within a few minutes of our first session our counsellor had nailed it as far as where I was – she said to Gemma that ‘Simon is in his cave and that until he’s ready to come out leave him be, let him come out in his own time.’ In other words I had withdrawn from the world and to a lesser extent my wife. I was angry, I was upset and I was frustrated that this was a problem I could not fix however much money I threw at it. The trouble was that cave was a dark place, and over the next few weeks as I remained in that dark ‘cave’ angry at the world, I began to spiral downwards into a much darker place in my life.

Until this point I had never had depression. I didn’t really know what it was, I thought it was something they labelled people when they felt a bit down. As the days and weeks went on after Gemma’s miscarriage I became more and more detached from what was going on around us. I struggled to be around close friends. The church we normally went to on a Sunday morning became a painful place to be, and most weeks I would last about twenty minutes before I walked out of the service and found solace in a coffee cup in the nearby shop. I was starting to struggle to even get out of bed. Some days I just wanted to stay there and never get out of it again – the darkness was closing in. By the time we got to Christmas that year I was in a very bad place.

Somehow through all of this I had managed to keep working. I had been put on anti-depressants by my doctor, and was able to carry on presenting the football for Sky. Although I would regularly turn up for work in a bad place there was a bizarre solace in being on air because live TV gave me some kind of temporary release from how I was really feeling. I guess when the program went on air it was flight or fight time and when your job relies on you doing it in front of people, I found a way to fight. The black clouds that felt like they were constantly above my head would momentarily clear and for three or so hours the chains of depression would appear to fall away, but almost as soon as I drove my car out of whichever football ground we had been at, the clouds gathered again. Although I let my producer Jim know a bit of what I was going through (he had also been through IVF with his wife) I kept a lot of what I was feeling to myself. Gemma knew (obviously) and some of my closest friends, but mostly I faced this new battle alone, unable to admit to, or talk about the depression that had taken a grip on my life. I felt totally cut off from the world around me. It was like being in a parallel universe – life carries on as normal around you and you’re part of it, yet you feel totally cut off from it. You’re in the world but not of the world.

A couple of days before that Christmas I went out for a drink with a few friends near to where I live. I didn’t want to go but Gemma practically pushed me out of the door telling me it would do me some good. I can still remember that evening vividly. We went to a pub in Caversham called The Griffin. The pub was swaying to the sounds of the festive season and the anticipation of the holidays to come. I didn’t want to be there. But as I have so often done in my life, I found solace in the comfort of a glass of something. However, as the evening went on instead of finding some temporary respite the clouds above me, if anything, grew bigger and darker. The sounds of my friends talking around me were nothing more than echoes in my head, the music blaring out of the speakers sounded like someone was playing it on an old record player at a slower speed. As we walked home that night I felt like the pit I was in had reached a deeper, more sinister depth. As my friends walked ahead of me a new and frightening thought entered my head – I wanted to end my life. As we walked down the Causeway that leads to the farm estate we live on, the group I was with were far enough ahead not to notice me jump the fence and start to walk into the nearby field. As they carried on I stood there alone in the freezing night, alone with my thoughts and now with the thought that I didn’t want to go on. You may be reading this thinking why? Why when you already had been blessed with a child could you be this affected? OK it’s sad that you couldn’t have any more children but look at the blessing you already have? I couldn’t agree more, except I didn’t decide to be like this. Yes it was me who decided to allow my disappointment and anger over the miscarriage to fester and grow, but the place I was now in was entirely different, this was something I had no control over.

As my mates walked through the gate into the farm I stood in that field on that cold December night and wanted to end it. I had had enough. As the tears of hopelessness flowed, thoughts began to turn to how I would do it – an empty field doesn’t exactly offer many options! But before I knew it my friends had realised I was no longer with them, and were walking back down the Causeway shouting my name. Almost without thinking I shouted back that I was having a wee and re-joined them like nothing had happened. We ended up back at my friend Dave’s house drinking some of his single malt whiskey and the festivities of earlier carried on. Whilst I tried as hard as I could to look and sound OK the act didn’t last very long, and in front of four blokes I began to sob uncontrollably. Understandably, none of them knew what to do or how to react. I can see their faces now as they looked at me confused, wondering what on earth they might have said or done. They of course had done nothing wrong.

Dave knew this was not the place for me to be and walked me round to our house where Gemma was waiting. The three of us sat on the sofa as I continued to cry and I kept on saying again and again – ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’ As they held me, listened to me and prayed for me I told them that I just wanted to give up on life, that something had got hold of me that had taken me to the lowest point I’d ever been to.

That was the worst place I reached, and over many weeks of medication, counselling and talking about it with Gemma and close friends the clouds eventually began to clear and I was able to re-join life, and love and appreciate what I already had – an amazing wife and son who loved me unconditionally and needed me weaknesses and all. And for the next few years that’s the life I was able to lead. As a family we had reached a point where we were at peace with what we had. Yes there would always be that residual disappointment that Ethan was going to grow up without a brother or sister; but we knew that unlike so many others, we had been hugely blessed just to have him in our lives, but then in September of last year, out of nowhere, the clouds began to gather again; but this time they were accompanied by something altogether different and more crippling – anxiety.

Unlike before I have no idea what triggered it. All I remember was that it was a Thursday in late September. Sky Sports has started a new show called ‘The Debate’ and it was my turn that week to present it that night. It’s a good show; but for a presenter pretty straight forward – two guests, one hour, discuss the main football talking points of the day, job done. Without meaning to sound arrogant, for someone who had been in sports broadcasting for twelve years it was a fairly straightforward show. Nothing to worry about. Yet as I awoke that morning a new, strange bedfellow had entered my life. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I lay there wondering what on earth it was about. I tried to rationalise it – an hour show, two easy to chat to guests, live TV, football, my working life – I could go on and list all the things that made what I was feeling ridiculous yet I just felt a massive sense of inexplicable unease.

I was due to catch the train to Sky early afternoon on that Thursday. I had spent the morning going through my stats for the game I was presenting on the Saturday and then Gemma rang. She said she was in town and wondered if I’d like to meet up for lunch before catching the train to work. As I walked the fifteen-minute walk from my house to town I couldn’t shake off this uncomfortable feeling about work. The most bizarre thoughts began to churn through my mind – what if the guests aren’t very talkative? What if I can’t think of another question? What if I’m just shown up to be really rubbish at my job? Most of it was completely irrational, yet at that moment in my mind it wasn’t irrational it was real, palpable fear.

I sat down with Gemma to have lunch in central Reading and I just wasn’t hungry. I tried to pretend everything was OK but I couldn’t escape those unnerving feelings that I awoke with. I hardly touched my food. After pushing my pasta round the bowl for the 25th time Gemma looked at me and said – “What’s wrong? You’re not yourself.” I looked into her deep brown eyes and said I didn’t know. All I could articulate to her was that I had woken up really nervous about work and didn’t know why. Understandably she was somewhat bemused. In the sixteen years I had been her boyfriend, and then husband, I had never been nervous about work. Yes there had been those occasions when the game demanded a healthy dose of nervous adrenaline, but I had never had a moment where it felt there was a very real fear sense it could go very wrong. Now I had that feeling.

I hoped that day was a one off. Maybe I’d just slept badly, maybe I was overtired, but as the weeks went on rather than evaporating, that feeling only accelerated. Every single time I was due to work this sinister bedfellow greeted my awakening and it reached its fever pitch on 28th October.

As I woke in the morning of the Friday before the game I felt terrible. My sleep until this point had been a nightmare and I’d decided to take a Nightol tablet – mistake. I woke in the morning feeling like I’d sunk a bottle of Gin but without the sickness. As I tried to write my script for Manchester United’s game against Tottenham I could only focus for about twenty minutes at a time. The rest I spent on our bed trying to sleep. I couldn’t work out what was going on. For years I had prepped a game in the same way without any fuss, yet now I was in a place where doing that seemed virtually impossible.

As late afternoon arrived and Gemma picked Ethan up from school it was time to pack the bag and head off. Gemma gave me a lift to the station and I barely said a word. As I kissed her and Ethan goodbye I trudged off with a feeling of dread. What was happening? The job I had worked so hard to get and loved had become my worst enemy. Except it wasn’t the job, it was the state of my mental health. As the train ploughed northwards through Birmingham and beyond I tried to focus on the game to come. I couldn’t. As I arrived into Manchester Piccadilly all I could think about was checking in and getting to my hotel room as quickly as I could without seeing or bumping into anyone from work. I managed it. The team I work with are lovely; it was nothing personal, I just wasn’t in a place to engage with anyone.

That night I never slept. The worries, anxiety and depression of those challenging weeks never gave me a moments rest. As the pointless alarm rang out at seven AM I reluctantly got dressed for work and walked nervously out of my room. As I checked out I wanted to avoid seeing anyone from work, I wasn’t in the right place for breezy morning chats. I grabbed a cab and headed for Old Trafford. I felt sick. The cab driver dropped me off outside the ground but at the wrong end of the ground. I didn’t care. I walked through the driving rain until I found the outside broadcast trucks and sat down – in a daze. And daze is how I felt for the rest of the day. At 8:15 we had the usual production meeting but it just passed me by. The only way I can describe it was like an out of body experience. As Jack our Producer went through the first hour of the show I sat there totally disengaged. I tried to focus but couldn’t. As he pointed out the graphics I would be talking about in the build up to the game I felt like a drunken man being asked to walk in a straight line.

Eventually I was sat in my usual chair in the studio, rehearsing the top of the show like we do every week. I managed to get through most of it but as our on airtime of 11:30 approached and Graham Souness and company were in their chairs ready to go I had to escape. I knew I’d be there when it mattered but at that moment I had to get out. I could feel a sense of panic overcoming me. Never before had I felt like this. I made my excuses – last minute trip to the loo and all that – and headed to the disabled loo. At least there I would be alone. As I sunk to the floor I began to cry, uncontrollably, and began to breathe quicker and quicker. In a small part of my mind the cry was ‘what the hell is wrong with me’, but the bigger part was gripped by fear. All I could do at that moment was grab my phone and ring the only person who would truly understand. That person was my rock – my wife Gemma.

As ever she was the reassuring voice of calm. Whilst my body was shaking and my breaths had become more shallow and more rapid, she spoke truth and reassurance without dismissing the pain I was in. I can remember so clearly her words – “Darl I know you can do it. God had given you this gift and he won’t let you down. He knows you have the strength to do it, you know you can do it and I know you can do it, now please darl tell Jack your producer how you are feeling.’ I did as she said and somehow at 11:30 the titles music kicked and it was all about survival. My boss Gary Hughes who has since heard this story told me that when he watched the game back he would never have known, and if anything my performance levels were higher than normal. That’s the amazing thing about the mind – as we went on air it was flight or fight. If I fly the whole hour build up ends up in a disaster, if I fight I had an outside chance of holding it together. Thankfully it was the latter.

That was the last time I worked. Five days later I had another panic attack at home and never made it to work. Sometimes companies get a bad wrap for how they deal with mental illness – Sky were brilliant. Admittedly I was initially nervous about how they would react to that I was feeling – they were nothing but supportive and showed a real desire to understand what I was going through. The message that came through again and again is that we want to do everything we can to help you get better. On Monday November 20th my boss Gary rang me. I missed the call. His voicemail message was all about wanting to meet up with me and see how I was doing and chat about the busy Christmas period of live games and whether or not I was in the right place to even think about doing them. I was always planning to ring Gary back – and I did the next morning.

Except the next morning I was dealing with worst news of my life. My dear Gemma had been diagnosed with blood cancer. Three days later my wife was dead, leaving me devastated and my precious boy Ethan without his Mum.

Why write this? Why when I should be grieving talk about this? I am grieving; it’s the most painful, brutal and lonely experience I have ever been through. But I know from hearing the stories of others, is that what I have been through is the life narrative for so many, and in particular men, but us men are rubbish at even beginning to whisper those fears and articulate what is actually an illness. I didn’t choose to feel a nervous wreck back in September. I didn’t decide work was more than I could handle, the only thing I chose was to walk out the studio that day and find solace in the loving and encouraging words of my wife.

Now I find myself confused and fearful. I’m grieving my dear wife but at times also questioning where on earth I’m at with all the stuff I had battled with before. I have no idea where I’m at or how I’ll get through this – but all I know is this, as a life long Christian, I don’t pretend to have the answers but what I do have is hope. An eternal hope. When I struggle to make sense of the mess of my life, when I ask how it can be that Ethan will grow up without his Mum I think of this verse from the Bible.

Psalm 18:2 – “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.”

Right now all I can muster is the strength to hold onto that rock and try my best, to try and be as Godly a Dad as I can for Ethan and trust that out of this fog of grief all that I felt before will clear as well.

For those reading this who understand – don’t suffer in silence. Like me, remember, you didn’t choose to be this way. Don’t sit on and bury the uncomfortable murmurings of mental illness – talk. Talk to your other half. Talk to those friends you trust, try and open your heart and your mind and allow the soothing balm of openness to begin to heal. Compared to others my experience is limited but this is all I can offer.

God Bless

Simon

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74 Comments
  1. itsnotmeitsthedog

    February 9, 2018

    Thank you for sharing Simon. It helps to know that I’m not alone in the ‘anxious’ world. Most days people would never tell how I’m feeling on the inside because from the outside I look and act ok in my ‘fight’ mode. X

    • Gail Slocombe

      February 18, 2018

      What a very rave man you are. Much love to both you and your son. Time is a great healer. Your wife will always be there for you both. God bless you. Xx

  2. Hil

    February 9, 2018

    Simon Hun I’ve read this a few times this morning ….. depression …. panic attacks are all too common and u have shared this which may help others
    Grief …. There’s no time limit …we’re all different … the pain is different to all of us and we all have our ways of coping
    IVF and miscarriages so so hard ( we’ve been down that route ) and again not everyone understands
    This blog is open and honest and a true insight into how you are feeling and coping and it’s an inspirational read
    Ethan is blessed to have you as his daddy ….. he’ll never forget his mummy ….
    Thankyou for allowing me to read this
    Sending you both hugs and love and always in our thoughts and prayers Simon…. aka team Thomas x

  3. katejurkschat

    February 9, 2018

    Simon,
    What a courageous, moving and eloquent blog. I can relate to so much about what you say. C.S Lewis says that grief is like fear. Depression and anxiety are such an affliction and after the loss of Gemma it must feel very frightening indeed. Lean on God . Lean on your friends and delight in Ethan who was knit together by our Heavenly Father in Gemma’s womb from parts of both of you.
    May God bless and keep you both in the midst of this heartbreaking time. And may he restore and strengthen you as you inch slowly forward.

  4. Pauline

    February 9, 2018

    Simon, you describe the feelings and mental thoughts of anxiety so well, 30 years ago after four miscarraiges I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, they changed me and my life so much for a long time. ( I did go on to have three children). I learned through it all to always remember a panic attack is only anxiety out of control, anytime I got one I said out loud anxiety is out of control again and didn’t let any other thoughts enter my head, I also learned anxiety is only a tiny slice of my personality, when you suffer from it you label yourself as completely useless because of it, but we are not it’s just part of who I am I get anxiety, but I have a million other parts to my personality as well, also finding out your not on your own with this, people who suffer panic and anxiety think we are going mad oh god look at me I can’t cope like abcdefg, but I’ve learned I’m no different to anybody I do believe everybody suffers from anxiety , anxiety is only fear, and fear can’t harm us just our thoughts, panic attack is fear out of control. I’m beginning to ramble but I hope you understand what I’m saying, you are a wonderful sensitive person who is in touch with yourself and your feelings, an open person, who has so much love for your son and your wife, you now are going through the most horrendous grief of a sudden death, people dying is hard to cope with but somebody dying suddenly and so young and so loved… your best pal , but she is still there you just can’t see her, but talk to her tell her still about your days and your thoughts.
    Simon your doing great, you put pen to paper again, don’t stop, it really does help with the grief and anxiety.

    Be kind to yourself,

    I

  5. Gwen

    February 9, 2018

    Still praying for you Simon.

    Years ago I read a book by Dr Claire Weekes with the old fashioned title ‘Self Help For Your Nerves’ (first published in 1962!) I have never had a panic attack but I have experienced depression and anxiety and this book interested me.

    From memory, and from a quick Google, she said that after experiencing one or more panic attacks, people can then be very afraid that they are going to experience another one which can be very debilitating. She helped people not to be afraid.

    Her books are still in print even although she died in 1990.

    This is from Wikipedia

    All five of her books offered self-help methods and advice. Her work was marked by the personal nature of her approach. Early in her career she had earned both a Doctorate of Science as well as an M.D.

    Claire Weekes described her own battle with nervous illness in her final book where she explained how she began suffering when she was 26 years old as she was misdiagnosed with TB for which she became introverted and worried. Her suffering lasted two years, and gave her valuable insight into nervous illness.[6] Dr. Robert L. Dupont describes in his book “The Anxiety Cure” that in 1983, he asked her if she’d ever had panic disorder. She replied “Yes, I have had what you call panic attacks. In fact, I still have them. Sometimes they wake me at night.” Dr. Dupont responded by saying “He was sorry to hear that.” He described Claire Weekes as looking at him in shock, for which she responded “Save your sympathy for someone else. I don’t need it or want it. What you call a panic attack is merely a few normal chemicals that are temporarily out of place in my brain. It is of no significance whatsoever to me!”

    I post this in case it is of any help to you or anyone reading this.

    I will pray for you and Ethan this half term.

    Gwen x

  6. Michael

    February 9, 2018

    Simon. I am 43 yo male from Melbourne Australia. I was in tears reading this as I too suffer depression and anxiety and your description of it was spot on.
    You are an inspiration to so many. Ethan is so lucky to have you.

  7. victoriawhyte

    February 10, 2018

    Thank you for sharing so openly and so honestly Simon, your blog posts are helping many people. My heart aches for you that you are struggling to cope with anxiety and depression without your beloved Gemma who was your rock. 💔😥
    One of the many Bible verses which brings me comfort is:
    Psalm 56:8
    You keep track of all my sorrows
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle
    You have recorded each one in your book.

  8. Hannah

    February 10, 2018

    Thank you for sharing Simon. Thank you for opening up sharing the inner workings of depression and anxiety. My husband and I were first on the scene when a friend of ours was contemplating taking his own life. Understanding what was going on was the hardest part but we could do practical things like for him to safety and get him medical assistance. Never stop sharing your story, the more we talk about mental health and how it affects us all the more we can deal with it better and better. Supposedly boys/men don’t cry or that it’s considered weak but in my opinion, strength is showing that vulnerability and letting others know that they are not alone.

    Thank you again Simon.

  9. Christina

    February 11, 2018

    Thank you Simon for sharing your experience. It is so difficult to bare yourself open and admit things aren’t as they seem from the facade we put on for the outside world.
    As you say you didn’t choose to have depression & anxiety and now you have lost your soul mate & best friend who knew, understood & accepted you.
    God is our rock & he will carry you through the times you don’t have the strength to carry yourself.
    I pray that you & Ethan give each other comfort & eventually come to terms with your loss.
    God’s blessings to you both
    Christina

  10. Anne Scott

    February 11, 2018

    So brave to still be on the planet and with your Son. Life throws terrible challenges at us, I can empathise with the depression as I have suffered with it nearly all my life, I am 66,to be in the world but not of it is appalling.

  11. Belinda

    February 11, 2018

    Dear Simon I think you are amazing for sharing your experiences. You are so brave and you don’t seem to know it! You WILL get through this because you have the strength even though some days you will doubt this. You also have the love for your son, his love for you and Gemma’s love for you both.

    I myself have suffered with anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide…….but I was so lucky to see an excellent therapist who showed me that I had the inner strength to battle it and with the help of medication I now live a wonderful life.

    Understand anxiety, depression, and know what to do if it begins to rear its ugly head. I refuse to let it take any more of my precious life – or my families. Be angry with it if you can….my anger at what it was doing to me helped me beat it. And it is a battle, but a battle that can be won.

    Imagine yourself with Ethan, a year from now, on a fabulous beach somewhere, Go karting – laughing your heads off, or climbing a stunning mountain….you can and will do these things with joy and love, keep that image in your memory and call on it every time you wobble.

    Please please please believe In yourself, you can get through this.

    If Ethan needs any additional support there are some fantastic child bereavement charities out there, we have one here in Norfolk called Nelsons Journey, I have seen first hand the fantastic support they give families. It can really help having support from people who are not related, who care but don’t have a ‘relationship’ with you. Children feel they can talk to the NJ team without ‘ worrying ‘ them. They can unload their feelings and worries safely. If you don’t have a NJ type organisation in your area, then look at their website and Ethan may want to download their app.

    Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, but know that you can get through this difficult, horrible time. You really can.

    With love and very good wish,

    Bx

    • agriefshared

      February 12, 2018

      Belinda thank you so much. We will come through this and be stronger for it. We’ve got some amazing guys called Daisy’s Dream in Reading who are already helping Ethan x

  12. Jane

    February 11, 2018

    Big respect for sharing your story and for helping to raise awareness. Much love, hope and peace jane.

  13. Deborah Munns

    February 11, 2018

    Dear Simon. Words fail me for what you have been through and are going through. Well done for writing it down and sharing.. I pray that our Rock sends to you helpers..friends that you trust to help you. My husband and I are in a season of change he is looking for work. We have been blessed in the past. Trusting in God. Asking for help too. We find new friends come alongside others that you would hope for don’t realise or they are wrapped in thier own thoughts or dealing with thier issues.. But we have hope in our Lord.

    • agriefshared

      February 12, 2018

      Deborah thank you so much x

  14. Rebecca

    February 11, 2018

    Very brave for sharing your not alone I’m currently fighting the battle keep strong keep fighting xx

  15. Hattie

    February 11, 2018

    I too suffer with anxiety I didn’t really know that’s what it was when I was growing up. However since having my little girl my anxiety is 10 times worse, I cannot rationalise when she is poorly, I torture myself believing she is too good to be true and that something bad is going to happen because I don’t believe that anything so beautiful and amazing could be mine. I was on medication for my anxiety but it made me feel worse, now when I’m having attacks I speak to my husband and my mum who are my rocks. I often find myself looking at my little girl and start crying because I’m scared of something happening. My job doesn’t help me as I’m a Picu nurse so I see very poorly children in my role. I have followed your story and seeing the strength you have helps me and knowing that anxiety and depression is not something to be embarrassed about!! I’m very open with my anxiety and depression now but a lot of people still don’t understand it and how debilitating it can be on a every day matter. People tell me to stop being silly and enjoy my daughter…..that’s the problem I enjoy her too much and the joy, love and laughter she brings to my life every second of every day! My anxiety is so bad I make excuses not to go out with friends and be away from her, I hate being away from her! I don’t drink alcohol because I worry if she needs me and I’ve had one drink then I won’t be a good mummy to her! But thanks to my amazing husband, Mum and friends when I’m feeling anxious I talk it through with them and although it does ease the anxiety slightly it never goes away.
    Ethan is truly blessed to have such an open and honest daddy!! Your thoughts are what so many people are thinking but too scared to say so.
    Wishing you and Ethan all the love in the world.

    • agriefshared

      February 12, 2018

      Thank you Hattie so much. Keep hanging in there x

  16. Lynn

    February 11, 2018

    Your experience with depression and anxiety sounds so similar to mine (although I have not had to bear the grief you are now so sadly suffering). Thanks for sharing, it helps to know we are not alone x

    • agriefshared

      February 12, 2018

      Thank you Lyn so much x

  17. Paul Thompson

    February 11, 2018

    Simon, thank you so much for this. I sense that you are a very modest person like myself. Your last sentence about having limited experience – I think you’ve had the full experience of anxiety, depression and panic attacks, and your piece is so well written and articulated, wow, thank you. I’ve never experienced the full on depression stage although I think I came close. The debilitating anxiety and panic attacks were enough and I don’t think I could have coped with much more than that – it was the worst experience of my life of 42 years. One thing that was a common thread in your elequant piece was family and friends. For me, it was family and friends, and some help from Sertraline that got me through. In your case, please seek comfort and solice from friends and family. I can’t imagine how it feels to lose a partner like that, but it must be so painful on top of everything else you were struggling with. Throughout my own journey I’ve found that my children provide the most overwhelming soothing feeling and help me make sense of things. Good luck and thank you for sharing your story – it’s very brave and I wish more of us men were more open with our feelings.

    • agriefshared

      February 12, 2018

      Thank you Paul.

  18. Vicky

    February 11, 2018

    Dear Simon, as I read through your page I was beginning to feel a sense of relief, that I am not totally crazy, that what I have started to go through Again, these past 10 days, is felt and trudged through,somehow, by others to. The shock and pain that I felt reading your devasting new about your Gemma is deeply sad, nothing I write can ease your pain. I can only lift you and Ethan in our prayers, that in the long nights and difficult days you will know His peace. There have been days and nights when in my darkest despair all I can sob is “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” with the weak hope that that will be enough. It has been, somehow, and I know will continue to be,
    Yours in Christ
    Vicky

    • agriefshared

      February 12, 2018

      Thank you Vicky. Keep calling out to him x

  19. Helen

    February 11, 2018

    What a truly inspirational man you are Simon! Out of such a heartbreaking situation you can bring so much support and reassurance to so many!

    God bless you and your boy 🌟🌟🌟

  20. pslater1972

    February 15, 2018

    This is a great read. I wrote something on my own challenges a few weeks ago, maybe some of it will resonate:

    http://phillslater.blog/2018/01/13/anxiety-depression-and-me/

  21. dkartworkshop

    February 18, 2018

    Very nice

  22. saintfrosty

    February 18, 2018

    It’s heartbreaking what he has been through! Extremely brave to tell him story!

  23. Eris

    February 18, 2018

    Battling with anxiety is no joke at all, but hey, life’s full of unopened doors, you just need to know what door to open. I hope you’re okay. You’ll be okay 🙂

  24. Tammy

    February 18, 2018

    Over the past 3 years I’ve felt the exact feelings you describe and it’s brutal. You’re an inspiration I wish you well for the future and grieving. Your son will be just fine he has an amazing honest, caring and inspiring father raising him. Gemma would be so proud.

  25. Alycia

    February 18, 2018

    Your vulnerability is inspirational. Thank you for sharing!

  26. mindfullyauthentic

    February 18, 2018

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have different reasons for my grief but still can relate to so much of what you said. I couldn’t agree more about sharing and talking about the things that you are grieving, it slowly starts to heal those deep deep wounds a little each time!

  27. Karla M Curry

    February 18, 2018

    Oh, I am so so so sorry for the loss of your wife, of the grief and struggles you are facing. Though you may feel alone, you know the truth and have the greatest hope, that there is life and hope in God.

    Thank you for sharing… for in sharing, it helps others know THEY are not alone. I have four children, but we miscarried a baby a few years ago. My brother and his wife lost their baby soon after. I’ve felt the pull of sadness and grief, felt like I couldn’t go on… wondered how I can take care of my family when some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Even though I am surrounded by many blessings, I often feel like despair gets the best of me and I don’t know why.

    Just a couple days ago, friends in our church family lost one of their two sons, a thirteen-year-old boy. It never ends, does it? Because we live in a fallen world. Just move forward, one step at a time.

    Saying a prayer for you and your son today.

  28. T. Roberts

    February 19, 2018

    I pray that you will continue to release your feelings through writing. As you share and bless others, I pray comfort for you and for Ethan. God bless you both.

  29. GAVIN ANGUS

    February 19, 2018

    I just wanted to say how much your words resonate with my own experiences. Avoidance is a huge part of my daily life. I have been through a nightmare 6 years which has resulted in me being diagnosed with PTSD and depression. The details are long but essentially all of it was completely out of my control. I am slowly getting better and I cannot agree more that the love of my sole mate, family and friends are what kept me going and the small matter of my 6 year old son. The road is long and widening but I do see a light and the future does look better. I was numb for most of the time whilst reading this honest and eloquent piece. I agree completely about the fight or flight and it’s incredibly how the body and mind works sometimes. I wish you well and send my love and hope that along with all the other lovely messages it gives you something to keep going, keep fighting and keep positive for the future. All the best Simon take care Gavin

  30. Mary Ann

    February 19, 2018

    God only knows why you would endure such hardship..
    I pray that you will continue to find strength in Him..
    King David struggled with depression and anxiety.. the Psalms can bring comfort..
    I pray your heart will mend.. Luke 4:18 KJV

  31. touched2mysoul

    February 19, 2018

    Prayers going up for you! Thank you for sharing your truth.. it shows we are not alone… God Bless

  32. chelseyrivers

    February 19, 2018

    Wow, thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine how painful that must have been. I completely relate to the depression and anxiety as I am still struggling with it as well. I’m so sorry and I’m praying for you. I just wanted to let you know how much this touched me. <3 God bless you and your son.

  33. gems832

    February 19, 2018

    Hello Simon.
    Thanks for sharing this touching story and life experience. Anxiety can be a scary place, I understand. God is still keeping me as I battle from time to time with it and he will keep you as well!! The battle is temporary, it’s not forever. Continue to lean on Jesus ❤️💪🏼

  34. Dee

    February 20, 2018

    thank you for sharing your story. You are beautiful soul living human experiences. Much love to you and your son.

  35. dbentonjr

    February 20, 2018

    Simon, I can’t say that I know what you are going through, but I praise God that you have turned to the Bible to find answers. I am a church elder and in my experiences, both personal and otherwise, I have been taught that God always has a plan, but we never know what plan is and that is where faith kicks in. You are doing the right thing by clinging to Psalm 18:2. Another thing you can do is pray, and listen to what God tells you and how He answers your prayers. We may not like His answers at times, but He always has a purpose that makes us better and stronger in the long run. Keep your faith and your future will be rewarded by God. The strength you show now will take you a long way into understand what God wants for you.

  36. bloggingwba

    February 20, 2018

    Quite interesting read. Thanks for you sharing.

  37. adoortomylife

    February 20, 2018

    Hey Simon I am so proud of you for having such a courageous attitude and for inspiring billions of people out there. Depression and anxiety are such important yet delicate topics to discuss about and you coming out in the open is such a brave thing to do.. We all are her to help you and you are more stronger than depression and anxiety ❤

  38. faithfamilyfitnessplus

    February 20, 2018

    Wow Simon this was so touching and relatable. I will keep you and Ethan in my prayers! – Amy “Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” – 1 Timothy 6:12

  39. Samara

    February 20, 2018

    Amazing

  40. Melissa M

    February 21, 2018

    Wow. So powerful. I feel your pain and know those horrible fears and anxieties all too well. I also work for sky who have been great to me too. I lost my little girl to blood cancer a couple of years ago. A year after that I suffered a horrific missed miscarriage. I just wanna say I live by the words. “Someone out there is having a far worse time than me” we both could of let the devil in so easily when we experienced such tragic loss. I chose god too. It’s my only saviour. God help you and Ethan! Check out Izzy’s wish on Facebook and know that you’re not alone.

  41. anondotverse

    February 22, 2018

    You put into words the most unexplainable experience of my life; I feel so relieved.
    Having grown up in a conservative society, it’s been the hardest to open up about this to friends and family, who till now give me redundant sermons of “You’re just sad” and that I need to “focus on what’s good” et al. I don’t quite blame them for this, especially given the fact that I, myself, wasn’t aware that I, in fact, suffered from
    depression. And now that I am, I feel more confident to open up about how I feel about things. Your post gives me hope that someday, I might actually be able to talk about it to the ones really close to my heart. Thank you so much for sharing, Simon. Such deep respect for you. 🙂

  42. Simi

    February 23, 2018

    I’m glad you’ve decided to put your trust in God, God is the ultimate solution to all problems

  43. Myrtle

    February 24, 2018

    Thank you for sharing this, God bless you and your son.

  44. hootowl1013

    February 24, 2018

    The way you phrased this made it so much more touching and emotional. Amazing. You’re so inspirational and strong!! I enjoyed it a lot 🌟

  45. sameeabz

    February 24, 2018

    Thank you for sharing,I understand the fact when you’re in the spotlight and there are cameras and lights, I’ve been through the same working as a radio presenter ..Stay strong!

  46. Vishwa Puvanesh

    February 25, 2018

    Simon
    A courageous story

  47. Matteo

    February 25, 2018

    An extraordinary read. Nothing you have been through is wrong, out of the ordinary, or anything to be ashamed of. But never, ever give up. There’s always hope. Always a chance to heal.

  48. Erk Bravo

    February 26, 2018

    Thanks for the post. Very much relate, best wishes!

  49. lindasoas

    February 26, 2018

    Thank you for sharing. I think its good to talk about this. Panic attacks, grief and anxiety are a struggle, I know. A big hug to you and your son. /Linda

  50. TheTacoMom

    February 26, 2018

    I’ve always considered our children to be God’s greatest inspiration and motivation to better ourselves. Thank you for sharing your story.

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