An ode to a new reality.

March 15, 2018

As the car lights strike the drive the house lies in darkness once again. The welcoming glow of years gone by remains extinguished. The Georgian bricks and mortar shout out a heart stopping message of emptiness.

The place of love and warmth her creative soul breathed and crafted into it now mourns her absence. As the keys turn in the door the joy of returning home is disturbed by the reality of a place that now lies bereft without her.

As my feverish fingers search for the switches to flood the darkness with light, the unavoidable silence is oppressive. As the music sings out to block out this new uncomfortable reality, it offers nothing but the briefest of respite.

The kitchen, the room she loved, the room she poured out her time and compassion into others lives screams out she’s gone. The food cupboard bursting with her cake ingredients now sit poignantly untouched and unmoved, the stylish food mixer gathers dust instead of flour. Everything around you rips at your heart with this one single unpalatable truth – she’s gone.

As I pace the house like a lost soul, my heart cries out for her return, yet my mind shouts she’s not here. The daily nightmare roars on like an unstoppable avalanche. Unthinkable, unmanageable, unfair.

Yet amidst the pain, the anger, the questions and the never a baiting agony of loss, the clouds of grief occasionally clear and the God of the universe, the God who became man and sat and wept with the lost, whispers you’re going to be ok. The everlasting echoes of his hope interrupt and loosen the binding chords of loss.

It still feels Friday, but Sunday is coming.

  1. Margaret Iddon

    March 15, 2018

    Keep strong. Sending love n hugs.

  2. Michelle Gray

    March 15, 2018

    Yes Simon, Sunday will come for you. I’ve found this song so helpful through the hardest days since losing my Mum unexpectedly.
    ‘You’re going to be ok’ – Brian and Jenn Johnson.
    God bless.x

  3. Wendi

    March 15, 2018

    You are such a beautiful writer. You are touching so many hearts. God bless x

  4. Maria Penny

    March 15, 2018

    I think you’re doing all you can reasonably be expected to do. I am truly heartbroken for you, and especially your son.
    One day at a time. Thinking of you both xx

  5. Anita

    March 15, 2018

    I feel your grief through your beautifully crafted posts. I’m glad you have the hope our Lord offers. Prayers for you.

  6. Rita

    March 15, 2018

    Beautiful, loving, heartbreaking x

  7. perfectlyimperfect947811438

    March 15, 2018

    So heartfelt

  8. Gavin O’Toole

    March 15, 2018

    Simon, I lost my wife Sinead in Aug 16, 6 months after her cancer diagnosis and just under 2 yrs since we lost her sister. I have two young daughters, Aoife now 12 & Maille now 9 and am finding it harder and harder to get by but your positivity (along with amazing, close friends) help me a lot. I don’t mean to dump my stuff on you but wanted you to know that what you are going through you are not alone. As you know it doesn’t feel like that but we are not..we need to grieve and hopefully we will be guided by those we have lost to where we are meant to be…take care and God Bless xx

  9. Anna

    March 15, 2018

    Simon, Thank you! Thank you for your honest & heartbreakingly beautiful posts, thank you for sharing your story & your world with us and thank you for being so honest and open about your faith & the struggle mixed with glimpses of hope that you find. Reading your posts has been comforting and encouraging, it’s rare (but thankfully become more common) for Christians to be vulnerable and to share their doubts, anger & pain so openly as you have especially today. Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging on by my fingertips but I’m reminded that at least I’m hanging on! I don’t know if you’ve come across the song King of my heart but there’s a line in it (that interestingly is often missed out in churches) that says ‘when the night is holding on to me, God is holding on’. I have found comfort in that line and hope you do too, he is indeed the light in the darkness even if its just a flicker. Keep holding on. Blessings Anna

  10. Philip Cole

    March 15, 2018

    Uplifted by your words … remain in my prayers and thoughts

  11. Wendy

    March 15, 2018

    Simon – this is spot on. It’s Friday for you right now but Sunday will come. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel and it is an eternal one.

  12. RandomAly

    March 15, 2018

    This was beautiful.

  13. Jeannine

    March 16, 2018

    I love your writing. I’m sorry for your grief. Take care

  14. Annelies

    March 16, 2018

    This blog hit me on the head in a massive way. In every single word you feel your pain. You can see you drive to the house, that’s dark, quiet and empty, missing her soul. You can see you entering the quiet house, where nothing changed since you left the house earlier. I hope the house will feel once like a home again for you and Ethan, but that will take time. That your beautigul house can give you comfort instead of pain. As you posted this blog in the category Faith I’m so happy that you still have that faith that the clouds will become thinner some day and that there is still your believe that you will be okay, but it will cost tears and lots of energy. You’re never alone in this Simon: there are so many arms around you. The way you can express yourself in words is beyond everything. I wish you and Ethan a glimpse of light in every day: sometimes it will be harder to find it, but I hope it’s there. You’re an amazing guy and the best Daddy to Ethan! You’re making your Gemma so proud! xx

  15. Joanne

    March 16, 2018

    This blog is so beautifully written. Your ability to capture the moment and allow your readers to engage with you in your grieving process is remarkable. I am so touched that amongst the pain of every single Friday you have woken up to, you are able to look to your Heavenly Father for guidance. Sunday is indeed coming. I continue to pray for you and Ethan

  16. Alison Stratford

    March 16, 2018

    Hang on to that Simon, it does feel like Friday but yes, Sunday is coming.
    For you and Ethan, Sunday is coming.

  17. Jane

    March 16, 2018

    Simon you have such a gift for writing and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I thank the Lord that He is with you & Ethan always and that it is a certainty that Sunday is coming xx

  18. Louise schilt (@93Horsemad)

    March 16, 2018

    Dear Simon,
    I could see you in my mind as I read this I know that you don’t like Friday because of what happened on a Friday night last November my thoughts and prayers are with you as always I just hope that you can find the strength today to keep on fighting as you travel on this long journey I might only be 29 but I’ve experienced a lot of pain and heartbreaking situations that no one should ever have to go through if you search for Jacob’s name on YouTube you’ll find the tribute that the Albion did for him. Jacob I’ve admitted recently to my auntie was and still is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced in terms of loss I wish I could give you and Ethan such a tight hug but I doubt I will ever get the chance to but I still wish I could.
    ‘Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.’ Albus Dumbledore. I hope you both are okay lots of love xxxx

  19. Liz Smitj

    March 16, 2018

    Simon, this is beautiful. Spirit inspired words that share your current reality from deep inside. . So, so sad and yet full of hope of a new reality that is beginning to seep through the broken-ness of your current one without Your beautiful wife. Continuing to pray for you every time I read your posts.

  20. Eirian Meredith

    March 16, 2018

    please continue to write these honest thoughts. both my brother and brother in law were young widower.4 children under 10 between them
    it’s a long painful road that you can’t travel round or under but just walk it.
    there is light the darkness as both my relations have discovered but now you are exactly where you need to be on your journey.

  21. Rachel Cowling

    March 16, 2018

    A beautiful lament. 🙏

  22. Lynn Black

    March 16, 2018

    Just needed to read that. Feels like Friday but Sunday is coming! Praying for you and the family. When you can’t trace God’s hand, trust his heart. God bless, Lynn.

  23. Jules

    March 16, 2018

    I’ve lost both my parents & younger sister in less than 2 years. How I’ve survived this, god only knows. I’m 45 & feel lost at sea most of time but, to use the old adage ‘where there’s life, there’s hope’ I have to hold onto some kind of hope that one day the sun will shine for me again. Take care Simon & lots of love to you & Ethan.

  24. LJ

    March 16, 2018

    Dear Simon, when nothing else works, remember that God holds you and Ethan through all of this. Even though it doesn’t make sense and the glory of Easter Sunday feels a long way off in the deep depths of Good Friday. I love your writing and I hope it brings you peace to be able to let off your feelings about how this thing, with no rhyme or reason, is happening to you.

  25. David Clancy

    March 17, 2018

    Beautiful! As someone who lost my wife to cancer 7 weeks ago, my faith, our faith is sometimes all that saves me from utter desolation. That and of course focusing on my 2 boys. You are very brave to share your feelings, and I can relate so much to how you feel. God bless

  26. Steph Henderson

    March 17, 2018

    Beautiful, poignant words. I believe God is using you in this deepest of dark valleys to speak out to others. The agony of grief, the courage to carry on and the flickers of brightness in the dark are described so well here. You are able to use your word skills in a new way to open up the hitherto taboo topic of men’s emotions in the midst of grief and loss. Be proud of this Simon. Never let anyone shame you or force you into a so-called manly silence that has damaged so many. I watched Tony Livesey interview a tough footballer the other day who trembled and shook with fear and emotion as he spoke for the first time of his childhood grief following the death of his mother. Men need to talk and to be listened to with compassion, You are helping, by God’s grace and the Sprits power to shine a light on this area of life. May God bless you and your family.

  27. Laura Selvakumaran

    March 17, 2018

    Beautiful. Very sad for you….God is there, with you.

    Please pray for my family…my son’s friend’s mother was taken ill a few weeks ago, and died this afternoon.

    My daughter’s 26 yo friend took own life last week. Please pray for her bereaved, broken father…her mother and elder sister killed earlier time.

  28. Rachael Birch

    March 20, 2018

    Yes Sunday IS coming. It is. …


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